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But let this next event sum it up for you: me standing in Mecca asking Allah to help me stop committing this sin, asking Allah to kind of like flick off a switch and just bring it to a stop, because i am mentally fatigued by the daily battle inside me between my shameful desires and my Muslim conscience, and i just want it to stop but its proving too difficult right now.
Knowing that i am a practicing Muslim, knowing that there is a day in which i will have to stand in front of Allah and take the rap for these sins, and not having a single plausible excuse come to my mind which i can bring on that day is a horrible feeling. And also the guilt that comes from leading a double-life and betraying one’s spouse. I’ve seen my early zeal to learn and practise, and potential to be a productive member of this ummah fade over the years as i spent my time – hours and hours in front of the computer getting up to no good.
It feels sickening trying to make tawba for this sin, because while asking Allah to forgive me, i felt within myself (and from knowledge of past relapses) that I haven’t really given it up and would fall into it again. Some say its due to a lack of imaan, and I agree that it is, but its more complex then that. Sometimes the boost in imaan from these things keeps you off the sin for a month, other times, only a few days.
During these years in which i have sinned I have also memorized 10 juz of the Qur’an: that didn’t come easily, nor without determination, and i would bet that is more than most people who are reading this. The most helpful solution overall i found was going cold turkey with the internet: cutting it off completely.
You don’t realize the self-loathing, and hatred a brother has for himself in his day to day life when he remembers what he does when no one is watching but Allah. Before i begin, let me say that in this story of my own descent into sin, i blame no one but myself. I am a brother between 25 and 30 with my own family who i love very much and I’ve been practising for many years. I don’t want to go into the details, but soon after i was introduced to pornography, i was hooked on it.In some ways, my own story over the past 10 years mirrors that.My addiction began as something small, but step by step over 10 years, it has transformed into something which is at times uncontrollable.The system interprets your gestures and facial expressions, analyzes your voice and probes your body to determine your temperature, heart rate, and respiration rate — all in an effort to determine whether you are trying to deceive.Fail the test and you’ll be pulled aside for a more aggressive interrogation.